


wishbone

by pepi_peachnbeans



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Confessions, Drunk Sex, Flashbacks, Fuckbuddies, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Messy, assholes jaebum, based off of poetry, but not in the way you expect, implied/referenced physical fighting, messed up relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 05:40:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17595512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepi_peachnbeans/pseuds/pepi_peachnbeans
Summary: if you love me, you don't love me in a way that i understand





	wishbone

**Author's Note:**

> title/description/fic from wishbone - richard siken
> 
> this goes in and out of flashback to current day

Jaebum owes him. At least, Jinyoung kind of likes to think like that, and he knows that Jaebum does too. He'll say it sometimes, whenever Jinyoung does things for him, which tends to happen a lot. He used to say it all the time when they were far younger than they are now. He would give that smile that seems reserved just for Jinyoung's eyes alone, and he'd pat at Jinyoung's shoulder, "I owe you one Jinyoung."

But as time went on, Jaebum stopped saying it as much, maybe because he began racking things up so that he owes Jinyoung a lot, to the point where he probably doesn't even know where to start, and it isn't worth making the false promise of it anymore. Despite that however, they'll be rare moments where he'll end up bringing it up again. Like the night that they drove in the dark in Jaebum's old red pickup truck. It was summer then, and they had the windows rolled down, the cool night air blowing in, and the background music of the Beatles filling the gaps of sound that the truck makes. Jaebum had kept sparing him glances every so often, looks that Jinyoung knows all too well, and it makes his heart constrict. It had been the same way that Jinyoung would look at him whenever Jaebum wasn't looking.

"Jinyoung," he said, breaking their silence that stretched to be over a half and hour long. "I still owe you, don't I?"

Jinyoung's eyes went wide. They haven't talked about this in a long, long time, yet here they were then, Jaebum bringing it up again for the first time again after nearly six months. "You do."

The topic doesn't come up again for a long time after that night. It doesn't com back up again until there's a fight. They have always been best friends, but they've always been enemies in a way too. Some sick part of Jinyoung knows that fighting is probably what they do best, hurting each other. They were standing there, several feet put in between them, their eyes boring into each others, both of them getting their weapons ready for the showdown. The ice was thin and there was already cracks, and it wouldn't be much longer before it finally breaks under their weight, their hate.

The ice had been thin for years now.

They've been fucking for a long time now, just about ten years, but they have been friends for even longer. The lines became to be blurred, and maybe that's when the cracks began to show. Or maybe because Jaebum mastered the way to push Jinyoung until he was screaming pack by the age of thirteen. It was within that, somewhere with the mess of awkward teen puberty and not so friendly touches that Jinyoung began to figure out what he truly felt for Jaebum, and it wasn't just teenage hormones. After that things began to change.

It was like a bullet lodged into his chest, killing him, poisoning him slowly. The wound never really being properly dressed, but instead being simply ignored. He at least had the decency to cover it up nicely though, he at least likes to think. Nice enough so that nobody can see just how truly ugly it really is. Despite how constant their relationship is, it is still extremely fragile, and Jinyoung thinks that whatever was left has completely shattered, and now they've both fallen into the icy cold water that is suffocating, and now he fears that there is no true way to be able to escape.

There's a pounding at his door that makes him snap out of the book that he is reading. It's urgent, going both hard and rapid fire fast, and he's dropping his book to his couch to get up and rush to the door, afraid that something awful has happened. He only unlocks his door, and he never gets the chance to open it because it's being slammed back, and he just manages to jump back so it doesn't hit him, but he still feels the wind of the slam. Just as soon as it opens, it shuts again, and Jaebum is standing there, his face twisted into one of confusion, rage, and hurt, and Jinyoung swallows, unable to truly decipher it.

"Is it true?" he asks, his voice frantic sounding, as if he didn't get an answer in the next several seconds, he'll die. It almost seems like a life or death situation, and Jinyoung's too busy worrying to be able to immediately recognize the weight of the interaction.

"I don't know what you mean," and for once, he isn't playing dumb or deflecting like he has the tendency to do. He genuinely doesn't know what has motivated Jaebum into coming here right now, nevertheless what he is going on about.

Jaebum gives him a long look, arms twitching at his sides, almost as if he doesn't believe Jinyoung. His voice is still hard and ever so persistent as he gives an answer anyways, despite clearly not believing Jinyoung. "That you love me." 

And it's like another bullet is hitting him in the chest. It's only then that he begins to realize what is really going on right now. His heart seems to slow down then, and his mouth goes dry as he stands there stupidly silent. His mouth opens to go and speak, but he stops again unsure of what to even say, and he ends up repeating this actions several times. All the while Jaebum stands there eerily patient as he watches Jinyoung's struggle. He wonders if Jaebum even realizes just how horrible this really is. How he's ripping off the bandages that Jinyoung has oh so carefully used to cover this wound, and that he is now poking at it. Though, Jaebum never has been the best at knowing when not to ask something.

"You're my best friend," he says weakly as if that both explains and excuses everything. It doesn't- even though he wishes that it would. That just for once, Im Jaebum won't be an utter assholes, that for once he'll just fucking drop it.

"Bullshit," he spits out, clearly unhappy about the answer that Jinyoung gave. "You're such a liar Jinyoung. Stop lying to me!"

Incredulous, Jinyoung feels his own anger starting to build up. Since when has he ever explicitly lied to Jaebum about his feelings? The answer is that he never has. Hidden? Been secretive? Sure. But a liar? "Liar?" he repeats eyebrows furrowed.

He doesn't get an answer then. Instead, Jaebum is lunging forward and grabbing him roughly by the shoulders to pull him in. Once he's flush against Jaebum's chest, Jaebum's kissing him, almost feverish, and it he can feel just how desperate it is. And Jinyoung has always been a weak man for Jaebum, and so he finds himself kissing back right away, matching the fast pace that Jaebum has set.

Whenever Jinyoung kisses Jaebum, he can't ever seem to find himself thinking about anything else, it's hard to. Besides, he doesn't really ever get the chance to since Jaebum always kisses him like he's trying to keep Jinyoung there, and to suck the life out of him. And Jinyoung's always so desperate for Jaebum's touch anyways. His mouth leaves Jinyoung's, and he tries to chase it, but Jaebum is sucking gently on his neck, and Jinyoung lets his hands wander up to Jaebum's broad shoulders. He let's him continue going, and within a fleeting second the thought is crossing his mind, wandering if this is Jaebum's sick attempt at trying to appease him. Once this thought crosses his mind, he finds that his hands curl into fists. "Jaebum." but he doesn't stop, and wit ha grunt Jinyoung pushes him away hard.

A disappointed look flitters across his face before it scrunches back up into one of annoyance. "Isn't that what you want?" As he asks that, he seems so lost then, so confused, and it appears as if only Jinyoung knows the answer.

But he doesn't, he still barely knows what the hell is even happening right now. "No." His own tone is pleading for Jaebum to stop, to explain what is even going on.

That seemed to be the wrong answer because it only seems to fuel him further. "Then what do you want from me Jinyoung? Huh? What do you fucking want?

There once had been a time that Jaebum asked him that before. It had actually happened after a particularly bloody and gruesome fight which lead to them not talking to each other for a whole two weeks. That mutual radio silence ended half way into a third week when Jaebum showed up at his apartment, and Jinyoung could smell the sickeningly sweet artificial vanilla on him along with seeing the faintest residue of lipstick on the right side of his neck. It had been nothing new, but that didn't stop Jinyoung from getting as angry as he does every time it happens.

Inevitably, it all started up yet another fight between them that ended with Jinyoung clutching onto him and kissing him as if it would make him stay or become his. It doesn't, but Jinyoung liked to pretend that it did, if for anything, to at least give him a somewhat peaceful mind. And if in those times, he is stealing Jaebum away from anyone else, then so be it, Jinyoung's a desperate man and is not above petty theft.

After their lips are swollen, Jaebum pulled away while still keeping his hands tucked underneath Jinyoung's shirt, "What do you want Jinyoung?"

He tucked underneath Jinyoung's shirt. "Wat do you want Jinyoungie?" 

He had stared up into Jaebum's eyes as he considered several things. What did he really want? A part of him had wanted to just ask for a peaceful night, like how they used to before things had gotten so increasingly complicated until it became unfixable. In those times, before they started to get riskier, like how they started to towards the end, they would lay there cuddling with one another and it was just so innocent. Times have changed though, cuddling swapped for heavy petting, but that hasn't stopped Jinyoung from longing for the easier times.

Another part of him went down a bit of a darker route as he tapped into his anger. He knew what Jaebum wanted, but there had been something Jinyoung considered asking for. Sometimes he just wanted to hold Jaebum down and fuck him, rough and to tear him apart. And it is the least Jaebum could have done after everything. Jaebum still owed him at the time, as he always has, and probably always will, and why couldn't he just fucking indulge him just this once?

But it didn't end up like that. Instead, Jinyoung ended up bent over his own couch, and his body was quivering as Jaebum kept teasing him, all the while he got off to it. "What do you want Jinyoungie?" his baritone voice had ran deep and it had sent shivers down Jinyoung's spine.

Jaebum's knuckles grazed against his dick which was painfully hard by then. He gasped as he rocked backwards on the palms of his hands because he needed to be touched. "I want you inside me," he had shamelessly demanded it as he hiccuped on his own moan.

He could feel the weight of Jaebum's dick resting against the curve of his ass. "Sorry Jinyoungie, can you repeat that? I don't believe I heard you the first time."

Jinyoung wiggled his hips and whined impatiently, but as always he had given in to Jaebum's wishes, "I want you inside of me."

And then Jaebum was holding him down and tearing him apart with no mercy, because Jinyoung was- still is- sure that Jaebum is incapable of mercy.

Like how he's being so damn cruel right now, and the worst part is that he probably doesn't even realize the extent of his actions. Jinyoung makes a sound in the back of his throat, and it probably comes off as so fucking desperate, but how is he suppose to tell Jaebum what he wants after being silent all of these years? Jinyoung can't handle the flat out rejection, he's been dealing with the secondary rejection this entire time. He doesn't want to deal with Jaebum's possible hesitant guard while he apologizes and then leaves. Not for good though, oh no. Jinyoung has always been selfish and afraid so he has never admitted his true feelings, at least not directly, but Jaebum is extremely selfish too, and he wouldn't give Jinyoung up that easily. He'd keep Jinyoung just as close, but would ultimately deny him of any of his feelings, because Jaebum knows no mercy.

"What do you want? Tell me and I'll give it to you Jinyoung. Besides, I owe you anyways."

But he knows Jaebum can't give him this, and as if Jaebum would finally begin cashing in his 'I owe you's' now of all the times. He can't nearly begin to settle the score. "You don't owe me shit!" he outbursts, finally feeling like he is choking on his own anger and hurt, his own self protection of his own greediness to refuse to let Jaebum take anything back.

There had been a glimmer of hope once. It was after a party that Jackson threw, and just like Jackson, all of his parties ended up wild. Him and Jaebum had been insanely plastered, but unlike the shitfaced Youngjae who was most likely passed out by a toilet only after puking his guts out, they both were rather good at handling their alcohol.

It was one of the nights that they are both giggly, and Jinyoung's clingy, and Jaebum laughs along with him, but would more often than not sit back and watch Jinyoung with hooded eyes and a lazy smirk. Jinyoung was stuck to Jaebum's side like glue, and when they fell into the apartment, Jaebum nearly tripped over Nora which caused Jinyoung to laugh, and when he's drunk, he seems to forget to cover is mouth and hide his smile.

Jaebum's hand that was resting on the small of his back spread, and Jinyoung looked up to see Jaebum staring at him with wide eyes and a soft smile that made Jinyoung's heart flutter. "Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?"

It made Jinyoung's cheeks turn a dark red, a flush that he would later blame on his high alcohol consumption. "You don't need to woo me," he tried to go down the joking path, not knowing how to really handle that, as he let his free hand slide up Jaebum's chest. "You've already got me."

"I know. I just don't say it enough."

Now, Jinyoung isn't sure if Jaebum had meant to say it, but that doesn't change the fact that either way, he still said it. Jaebum had already finished, something about alcohol always makes him that much more hornier, and he is already a pretty horny guy. He was working on getting Jinyoung off, and his orgasm was _right there_ and when Jaebum opened his mouth to speak, Jinyoung had assumed that it would be to say something dirty instead of, "I love you."

And then Jinyoung's cumming into Jaebum's hand, but that wasn't what made Jinyoung feel so breathless, as if his heart was in his throat.

That night, Jinyoung was left to lay awake with his thoughts, alarmingly sober by that point, as Jaebum dozed off. But he always fell asleep quickly after drunk sex, and usually Jinyoung does too.

But not that night.

In a gross sense, Jinyoung felt hollow. Why did Jaebum say it? Despite the fact that Jaebum was the one who gave him something, Jinyoung felt like Jaebum took something from him. He already had everything, so why did he need to tease that last damn thing? It was as if Jaebum found the last fucking place to sink his teeth into, and if Jaebum loves him, he doesn't love him Jinyoung in a way that he understands.

Once morning came, Jinyoung knew that he was a fool for even considering that things would change. Because Jinyoung still pulled him out of burning buildings, Jaebum still owed him, and the bullet wound grew deeper.

"Then just say you're in love with me," Jaebum moves a step closer as he says it.

He doesn't get why Jaebum is being so damn insistent on knowing this. Why he seems as if he is two seconds away from holding Jinyoung down, kicking and screaming, as he rips the bandages off and shove his fingers in and twist until he can produce the bullet and go _Aha! I knew it, you **are** in love with me_, while exposing the last thing.

With a scream, Jinyoung is gripping onto his hair and tugging harshly as he falls to the ground in a squat. The tears either come then because of the building emotion or the abuse to his scalp, or perhaps a mixture of both. "Just _leave_ it."

Jaebum takes a step back upon seeing Jinyoung get like this. "I can't. You need to say something. Either admit it or don't, I don't care, but you have to let me know."

_I don't. I don't_. Jinyoung repeats. He doesn't have to say anything because he doesn't owe Jaebum shit.

At Jinyoung's silence, his voice grows colder, like a winter storm that's going to freeze you to death. "You're a coward Jinyoung."

It's the truth and Jinyoung knows it is, as harsh as it is. It only serves as enough to make him start crying harder now as he keeps a firm grip on his hair. "Why does it matter? You have others."

When Jinyoung looks back up, he's afraid to see the expression on his face. But Jaebum's further away now, almost as if he's afraid of getting any closer to Jinyoung. He looks absolutely horrified now, almost as if he can't believe what Jinyoung just said, "I always come back to you," he says, his voice soft as if that one reply held all of the answers.

Why can't Jaebum just get angry- or at least, stay angry, and storm away? It hurts, and Jinyoung starts sobbing louder. He refuses to give up this last thing, it is his no matter how much Jaebum wants to try and force the wound into growing bigger. He can't have this. His voice cracks as he speaks, sounding entirely miserable, "Please don't take this away from me."

"Jinyoung." And out of both of them, Jaebum sounds so broke and it is enough to make Jinyoung look back up and make eye contact with Jaebum to see that now, he's crying too. "I love you."

But he never comes through.

 

**Author's Note:**

> y'all i got fake nails and it is so hard to type it is take like at least 2x longer to type than it usually does i low key hate it


End file.
